-Written 3:45am Saturday morning. My own scribbles and pacts to God... Or rather his pact to me. -
That's enough, enough of coffee taking Your place as idol... Buying it, consuming it , thinking about it, receiving bad affects or withdrawals ... It is too time consuming. Even now sick, instead of getting healthy sleep, having dreams in the night-I am sick.
This is my doing.
But hey! It's done. Why? Because it's not worthy. I was made for more. More has much to do with the King and his Kingdom.
Jesus, you died for sickness... And me drinking simply coffee is causing afflictions and pains. I am doing that to myself knowingly. That goes against your reign and desire for us. You died for headaches and instead of taking your word, healing, provision... I am doing the opposite. Bringing on myself hurt, more anxiety, growing a vice... (And I'm not being hard on myself, I'm being real and not in denial.)
So, I give it back to you Jesus. You call each of us to higher lives. Each person convicted differently. Each with what they can handle. For me, I have tasted and seen that my body doesn't work well with caffeine. I don't do well with caffeine. It does more harm than good. And has become an idol. Around coffee- I have based my schedules, time, & priorities. Those things need to be based around you King Jesus.
So tonight, on my bathroom floor...
Trying to kick the nausea and trying to calm my nerves and not think about the migraine... I was once again wondering- how did I get here AGAIN. It is NOT the first time. (The other incidents were worse)
And I kept thinking "I know better!"
Each time I have gotten here- racing heart, pounding head ache, nausea, and body shakes- I have thought "alright, won't do THAT again." And there I am again, in the same place. Tonight I heard... Ever so stern and lovingly God say “Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.” Ouuuch.
And this time instead of saying "ok... I won't be here again" and then doing it again... I decided in that moment on the floor, to see why I continued to drink coffee while I know the affects for ME. And I realized that I tried to make rules or surround myself with no's. I tired to avoid coffee. But my conviction to drink coffee and have the "good" "desired" affects, the thought that "everyone drinks coffee and loves it", or "it taste good and so desirable these days"- was stronger than my conviction to say "yes" to you God and all you want for me (higher-ness).
I want so badly what you have for me, your time and recourses Lord, that I don't need the coffee, I don't need to rely on that.
Sitting there on the floor really looking... It changed everything.
And THIS, this I see, is true repentance. Learning a new path and taking it. Seeing the old and throwing the old out.
{(In my life, MORIAH'S LIFE) I have heard for a while now that God hadn't wanted coffee's affects (good or bad) on me. And I tried in my own strength to kick the habit. The coffee was and continued to be a big idol and desire. Something, at times, that I only would avoid to please the people that wanted what was best for me and when they weren't looking I'd drink it again. Most times only feeling bad trying now to drink it and then have bad issues afterwards.. That guilty feeling. But no real proof of change. It wasn't my own desire to really stop. (Just like any sin in our lives before you let in GOD to really transform you.)}
This time, this time I know who it is for. I know how You Father see me and how you have SO MUCH infinitely more. And you don't desire for this weakness to any longer set me back.
That is renewing.
This year of battling the desire for (something so simple and silly perhaps to others) coffee has been crazy and scary. But I see now. I see why I even went to the coffee in the first place and why I kept going back even when I knew I shouldn't. I see.
I am in bed now, my heart has calmed, nausea lower, and head pain almost gone... Thinking- thank you Jesus for dying for this and that I can let go and be greater. Because of you Jesus I am healed. I can come in close.
P.s. I am aware that this is a conviction from God for ME. And only share my process. I never said or say that it is for others. I just know surely now, what God wants and has for me. I pray that you see how God sees you and that you will rise to that place, to be better. To live to your higher calling. Even if it is more difficult. He will SURELY highlight in your life an area of the need of "letting go" and rising to greatness.
