Wednesday, March 25, 2015

just let me get it out



I have realized, I am hurting. This whole love thing, it is not easy! But that is Gods kind of love. This action is, was, and always will be His plan because it is exactly who HE is. It is not determined by anything else. It is and will always be. Unconditional is what it is. This love... oh boy. It is hard for us or I should say for me.
And what I am finding is that while loving in this way... parts of me are everywhere. My heart has been scattered about.

I have been touched in many places, poured into and in return have given myself in the same way, given what Christ has given me. It. is. hard.

I was raised in California. I have so much love for many people there that did so much for me. Whether they know it or not, they poured into me and I am grateful. I see now how God used them in my life and I AM OVERWHELMED. So much of my character was molded in crucial years, in the best way. I have tasted and seen love, tangibly. I am thankful to each of these mentors/spiritual family members for their passion and that which they carried that was passed down to me. I have been entrusted with much. I grew and transformed in California with the some gifted children of God. My heart is in California.

I spent time in Baja California with a bunch of rascals and amazing humans living together and serving together. We did life together- and I mean it. I know those people, those servants that I was surrounded by at Rancho Sordo Mudo were leaders who led so well and showed servant hearts... giving all of themselves. I know I gave a whoooole lot of me too. We loved. We cried. We laughed. We learned. We grew. And we were loved. Those days were dificil. But those days were the days I clung tighter to God than ever before. My heart is in Baja California.

I actually learned Spanish. I never thought I would. (ok, ok I am still learning... always will be and will mess up BUT that is OK) In Cacalotepec, Oaxaca I spent 1 year of my life. Oh... it was hard to leave Oaxaca for sure. I was blessed greatly in Oaxaca surrounded by beautiful people. I was blessed greatly to be there and learned more than just Spanish. I felt like I was in a dry spell spiritually and well... I was sick 9 months out of the year and didnt do much of anything about it because I had NO idea what was wrong. (That was fun...) BUT I was allowed to worship with the body of Christ almost daily and actually worshiped and danced on the beach with a few friends. I learned so much about Gods grace and the freedom that we have and can walk in. I met the sweetest deaf women nearby and was blessed to be with them. It was not all pina coladas and hammocks on the beach... OK there was a lot of that hehe (but its what everyone does, even the locals, the culture)... no but really. That year I discovered that I/we are not called to conform but rather be transformed. I discovered such freedom in just being. The Oaxaca-nan list of encounters from God could go for a while, blessings, learning in school and out about life, people/relationships, confrontations, y mas. Well, my point is- my heart is in Oaxaca.

Well... then I came to Queretaro Mexico, where I knew God had called me while I was in Baja California. The transition from the coast of Oaxaca to the city of Queretaro was, um, not easy. No, not at all. But knowing it is where I was called to go well I cried out to God, shared my hurts and honest truths and thanked Him for what I dont know. I was given peace. I went to Amealco, a town here in the state, to help Marisela Laura with her ministry. I went for about four months and realized I needed to be in the city. As much as I LOVE the kids that she works with, I LOVE the hills and the simple way they live... I knew I was needing to be in the city. And what I thought I came to do is not exactly what I came to do. I have seen beauty here and but at times have had to look for it like a treasure hunt. He is here just as much as Amealco or Oaxaca or anywhere else. My heart is with my kiddos in Amealco and here in the city.

I don't know if this all makes sense but, well, its a bit of what is going on inside. Mostly in the times of missing friends or kiddos or something from one of the former places I start to become sad that I cant be there, but I am learning to be OK. I am learning to be content in each season. There is so much to learn from each place in life that I know God longs for us to see how He sees. It is being present in each place and in each moment. Is it worth it to love with everything you've got and more? Is it worth it to let go of so much? Is it really worth it to be uncomfortable, to be embarrassed daily, to be made fun of, to be hooted at... etc etc etc. Is it worth it for any of us?

Well... here I am. Rethinking all of this and the past years. I have come to believe:
1. it is SO SO SO worth it
2. it is not and never was MY love.
3. God will never leave me dry
4. He is faithful (and His faithfulness has nothing to do with me, thank goodness)
5. I get my identity in Christ and He is sufficient
6. He made himself uncomfortable to understand, to love, to die, and to live, and give life... I can deal with it too
7. we have been called to run! To run after Him (every part of Him), which will affect us and everyone around us
8. for the sake of the world we live and walk and be in His Presence. All for His Kingdom here. It is oh so very worth it

and the list could go on...
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I pray that we love with all, every part of ourselves just like He told us to.Holding nothing back.
BUT mostly
I pray that we realize HIS LOVE. Because He FIRST loved US. All of us. All the nasty, all the hidden parts, He sees it all and loves us. Thanks to Jesus.
Now I can love.

our affection, our devotion poured out on the feet of Jesus.

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